Back to blogging. I am not much of a writer...I mean I am not the poetic type even though I love poetry and I admire those who are poetic. But when I try to express my feelings I have a hard time expressing them using the right words. So don't criticize, this is after all my first time blogging. Of course I am still feeling sad, I am still in pain. Today while I was trying to concentrate in my school work which of course I failed. I kept on thinking if he was afraid of commitment. Was I a burden to him? Did I take his manhood away? Did I make him feel that he didn't have a life? Was I causing him an identity crises? All I want is answers just because I feel that it will make me feel better. It wont hurt me knowing the answers to these questions because after all I already got hurt and nothing than those words of "you are not the one" or "I want to break up with you" will ever cause me more pain, these answers to my questions wont top that pain even if it is hurtful. But all I want is closure that's it. I just want to talk to him. I realized so many things and I want to tell him about it. I need him to listen to me just like I listen to him. I deserve that much right? I feel that the his past issues are haunting him.
I feel that what he went through with his first crush and after what he had to deal with in high school being isolated from everyone and into his studies made me think that some of that, that some of his past is still effecting him today. I feel that that experience alone made him want to be alone and I feel that that loneliness is still with him and he brought that loneliness into our relationship. So that is why I have so many questions for him. That is why I feel that he is afraid of being in a relationship, to committing, to never ever being alone. Maybe what he truly wants is to always be alone, after all he did say that he is a loner and that he wants to be alone. I guess in a way I just want to help him that's all. I just want to help him....as a friend i suppose.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Pain
Its hard right now for me. I just posted a blog a few hours ago and I am now writing another one. I feel like making blogs helps me in a way. It helps me release my pain, to cope, by just writing. After writing my blog I tried to go to sleep but I found out that it was useless, hopeless. Its so hard for me. Oh how I hate feeling the way I do. Once my roomie woke up and I looked at the time I know that I also had to get out of bed. I have to get up and read, do my homework. But I didn't want to wake up. I no longer have something to look forward to in the day to wake up for. Don't worry readers I will not do anything like commit what you guys are thinking. I would never go to that extreme just because of the way I feel. I have family that love me and I would never in my mind do something to cause them so much pain as something as that. For now what I write is just something that I feel.
Honestly though when I was with him I was so happy that I looked forward each day to see him, to spend time with him. When I would get out of bed all I can think was "I cant wait to see him". I was happy whether it was in classes in my new job I was happy because after finishing at the end of the day It would be him waiting for me. So everyday was something to look forward to. And now its all gone. I don't have that joy anymore. So now I just have to make the most out of it.
I have this small insignificant hope. And I must not have this. I cant hope not even if its a small speck. I have to stop looking at my phone...hoping... I have to stop waking up with hope...hoping.... I just have to stop. Im trying but I know it wont be easy. I never thought that one person could cause so much pain. Wow. When my roomie said "It such a nice day". That of course made me think of him. And all I said was "it is". Oh how it would have been nice to spend such a nice day with him. I need to stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him whether its a song, a movie scene, my things in my room, everything.
Friday night, last night one of my great guy friends took me to the movies to distract me from him. I told him everything just because I could relate to him. After all he did come out of a bad breakup as well but longer than me. So he helped me cope, he gave me words of encouragement. And he told me if I ever need to talk or need anything to call him. He is such a great friend to me. So we went out last night and we went to the movies. We went to go watch Wall Street. When we were watching the previews, every happy romantic movie preview that came up it made me think of him. I honestly didn't have fun last night even if it was with my friend. I was even debating about whether going to the movies with him last night just because I wasn't in the mood to do so.
I didn't enjoy the movies. The whole time I was missing him, crying, how I wanted it so much to be him next to me instead of my friend. I would have enjoyed going to the movies more. Will I ever enjoy going out with my friends any time soon? When? I just want to stop feeling so sad. When will it get better. I hate this. I am in so much pain. I would be in denial if I said that I didn't miss him. I do...but...for now. I just want that to change. This is my pain, this is my life right now. Nothing but shattered pieces. Oh please pain... just ....please go away soon.
Honestly though when I was with him I was so happy that I looked forward each day to see him, to spend time with him. When I would get out of bed all I can think was "I cant wait to see him". I was happy whether it was in classes in my new job I was happy because after finishing at the end of the day It would be him waiting for me. So everyday was something to look forward to. And now its all gone. I don't have that joy anymore. So now I just have to make the most out of it.
I have this small insignificant hope. And I must not have this. I cant hope not even if its a small speck. I have to stop looking at my phone...hoping... I have to stop waking up with hope...hoping.... I just have to stop. Im trying but I know it wont be easy. I never thought that one person could cause so much pain. Wow. When my roomie said "It such a nice day". That of course made me think of him. And all I said was "it is". Oh how it would have been nice to spend such a nice day with him. I need to stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him whether its a song, a movie scene, my things in my room, everything.
Friday night, last night one of my great guy friends took me to the movies to distract me from him. I told him everything just because I could relate to him. After all he did come out of a bad breakup as well but longer than me. So he helped me cope, he gave me words of encouragement. And he told me if I ever need to talk or need anything to call him. He is such a great friend to me. So we went out last night and we went to the movies. We went to go watch Wall Street. When we were watching the previews, every happy romantic movie preview that came up it made me think of him. I honestly didn't have fun last night even if it was with my friend. I was even debating about whether going to the movies with him last night just because I wasn't in the mood to do so.
I didn't enjoy the movies. The whole time I was missing him, crying, how I wanted it so much to be him next to me instead of my friend. I would have enjoyed going to the movies more. Will I ever enjoy going out with my friends any time soon? When? I just want to stop feeling so sad. When will it get better. I hate this. I am in so much pain. I would be in denial if I said that I didn't miss him. I do...but...for now. I just want that to change. This is my pain, this is my life right now. Nothing but shattered pieces. Oh please pain... just ....please go away soon.
So long, Farewell
Right now at this time in my life its difficult to go back to the way it was before...before I met that person. I cant sleep, I keep on waking up in the middle of the night and I cant eat. I have this whole inside me a deep void and I hate this feeling of remorse, anger, sadness, and confusion. I am in this stage of my life that is nothing but an emotional mess. Oh how I wish I was a much stronger person, I wish I didn't show a weakness of mine that I never thought that I had. That night everything came crashing down on me I couldn't stop feeling so sad, I couldn't stop crying and begging. I never in my life thought that I would beg for something, I never thought that I would be one of those girls that would beg for that person to not leave your life. Right now I feel so delusional, so broken into pieces. I never felt this way before, all I can do is move on and I will because I don't want to be that type of girl that will be forever heart broken. I refuse!! I know it will take me time. What hurts me the most is being lied to. I hate it! I can't stand liars.
I feel lied to, betrayed in a way that the person most dear in my life pretended to care for me the last couple of weeks. Was all just a lie? I am so angry! So sad! I wished that the person didn't lie to me if that person had it in his mind for the past few weeks of ending it then why not tell me then? I feel that the waiting, and keeping it a secret, and faking it are the hurtful things that anyone has done in my life. I rather be told the truth and not make me feel that I was the happiest luckiest girl in the world.
Was that day in the beach fake? Was that happy moment of nothing but laughter and smiles fake? And what about the six month anniversary? Was all that just a movie scene? Or how about all those times that you said "I love you", or the passionate kisses that we had, or being in your arms, the holding of the hands, the touch of your hand upon my skin. Was all that just fake? And all this happened during those weeks that you said that you had that thought of leaving. I feel that the explanation of that person for ending it wasn't entirely true. I feel like there is more. All I want now is just to be told the truth. Besides just telling me what you told me that night, is there more? I deserve an explanation and all I want now is closure.
What hurts me the most is that person so dear to me was the first to come out and say that "I love you" and those words so beautiful and so sweet but at the same time hurtful because that person took it back. And that was "your the one". I am hurt because you once told me that I was and to take it back like that, like nothing, hurts deeply. I wish you never said those words, I wish you could have saved me more pain. I know that I wasn't perfect. I just wished you were not in this bubble, of this idea of wanting a perfect relationship with no worry in the world. Sorry for not giving you your ideal, fantasy world. Sorry for not being that perfect person. And I am sorry for ever giving you a chance. A chance that you wanted so much with me. Not only did I lose a... but I lost a best friend as well and its something that hurts so much.
I just wished that he didn't give me so much to look forward to. I wish that he didn't fill my head with those futuristic plans of yours, like going to graduate school together, living together next year, Christmas, being in classes together, being in clubs, and even hearing wedding bells in the future. Oh how WAS I SO STUPID. But is not all his fault I also wanted that with him. I also agreed with him and went along with his future plans. Those plans that was so dear to me. I just hated the promises that he made and this....this future that I thought we would have together! This future he made me so much believe that I would have with him. Oh how i feel so delusional, so foolish.
To tell you the truth, before I met that person I was a little lonely even with the many great friends that I had. I don't know why exactly. I don't know if I was just homesick or the need of being with my family but before I met that person I just had this small whole. And when I met that person, he was able to close it. I was so happy when I met him. He honestly made me feel more stronger, he made me feel more confident in myself, he encourage me in so many ways. He was there for me. When I was sad, stressed out, angry at other people he was there for me. I just wished that he let me in once in while. I wish that he could tell me what was bothering him when something was. It just hurts me that I couldn't be that support that he was for me. I wished that he could have shown his true self to me whether it was good or bad. Oh how I wanted to be there for him.
He made me so happy. He made me feel so beautiful. But now that is over. And now I have the support of such great friends. In time I will go back to the happy person I was. All I want now is closure. I don't know If I do want to be friends that right now is too early to say but I'll figure that out later, right now this is my time for myself to reflect, to grow stronger, to no longer be foolish. I feel like there is so much more than I need to get off my chest but I wont do it all in one blog. I will write more in the days to come.
All I want now is the truth, closure. I deserve that much right? And my last parting words are: I will get over him because I choose to.
I feel lied to, betrayed in a way that the person most dear in my life pretended to care for me the last couple of weeks. Was all just a lie? I am so angry! So sad! I wished that the person didn't lie to me if that person had it in his mind for the past few weeks of ending it then why not tell me then? I feel that the waiting, and keeping it a secret, and faking it are the hurtful things that anyone has done in my life. I rather be told the truth and not make me feel that I was the happiest luckiest girl in the world.
Was that day in the beach fake? Was that happy moment of nothing but laughter and smiles fake? And what about the six month anniversary? Was all that just a movie scene? Or how about all those times that you said "I love you", or the passionate kisses that we had, or being in your arms, the holding of the hands, the touch of your hand upon my skin. Was all that just fake? And all this happened during those weeks that you said that you had that thought of leaving. I feel that the explanation of that person for ending it wasn't entirely true. I feel like there is more. All I want now is just to be told the truth. Besides just telling me what you told me that night, is there more? I deserve an explanation and all I want now is closure.
What hurts me the most is that person so dear to me was the first to come out and say that "I love you" and those words so beautiful and so sweet but at the same time hurtful because that person took it back. And that was "your the one". I am hurt because you once told me that I was and to take it back like that, like nothing, hurts deeply. I wish you never said those words, I wish you could have saved me more pain. I know that I wasn't perfect. I just wished you were not in this bubble, of this idea of wanting a perfect relationship with no worry in the world. Sorry for not giving you your ideal, fantasy world. Sorry for not being that perfect person. And I am sorry for ever giving you a chance. A chance that you wanted so much with me. Not only did I lose a... but I lost a best friend as well and its something that hurts so much.
I just wished that he didn't give me so much to look forward to. I wish that he didn't fill my head with those futuristic plans of yours, like going to graduate school together, living together next year, Christmas, being in classes together, being in clubs, and even hearing wedding bells in the future. Oh how WAS I SO STUPID. But is not all his fault I also wanted that with him. I also agreed with him and went along with his future plans. Those plans that was so dear to me. I just hated the promises that he made and this....this future that I thought we would have together! This future he made me so much believe that I would have with him. Oh how i feel so delusional, so foolish.
To tell you the truth, before I met that person I was a little lonely even with the many great friends that I had. I don't know why exactly. I don't know if I was just homesick or the need of being with my family but before I met that person I just had this small whole. And when I met that person, he was able to close it. I was so happy when I met him. He honestly made me feel more stronger, he made me feel more confident in myself, he encourage me in so many ways. He was there for me. When I was sad, stressed out, angry at other people he was there for me. I just wished that he let me in once in while. I wish that he could tell me what was bothering him when something was. It just hurts me that I couldn't be that support that he was for me. I wished that he could have shown his true self to me whether it was good or bad. Oh how I wanted to be there for him.
He made me so happy. He made me feel so beautiful. But now that is over. And now I have the support of such great friends. In time I will go back to the happy person I was. All I want now is closure. I don't know If I do want to be friends that right now is too early to say but I'll figure that out later, right now this is my time for myself to reflect, to grow stronger, to no longer be foolish. I feel like there is so much more than I need to get off my chest but I wont do it all in one blog. I will write more in the days to come.
All I want now is the truth, closure. I deserve that much right? And my last parting words are: I will get over him because I choose to.
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