Pain

Its hard right now for me. I just posted a blog a few hours ago and I am now writing another one. I feel like making blogs helps me in a way. It helps me release my pain, to cope, by just writing. After writing my blog I tried to go to sleep but I found out that it was useless, hopeless. Its so hard for me. Oh how I hate feeling the way I do. Once my roomie woke up and I looked at the time I know that I also had to get out of bed. I have to get up and read, do my homework. But I didn't want to wake up. I no longer have something to look forward to in the day to wake up for. Don't worry readers I will not do anything like commit what you guys are thinking. I would never go to that extreme just because of the way I feel. I have family that love me and I would never in my mind do something to cause them so much pain as something as that.  For now what I write is just something that I feel.

Honestly though when I was with him I was so happy that I looked forward each day to see him, to spend time with him. When I would get out of bed all I can think was "I cant wait to see him". I was happy whether it was in classes in my new job I was happy because after finishing at the end of the day It would be him waiting for me. So everyday was something to look forward to. And now its all gone. I don't have that joy anymore. So now I just have to make the most out of it.

I have this small insignificant hope. And I must not have this. I cant hope not even if its a small speck. I have to stop looking at my phone...hoping... I have to stop waking up with hope...hoping.... I just have to stop. Im trying but I know it wont be easy. I never thought that one person could cause so much pain. Wow. When my roomie said "It such a nice day". That of course made me think of him. And all I said was "it is". Oh how it would have been nice to spend such a nice day with him. I need to stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him whether its a song, a movie scene, my things in my room, everything.

Friday night, last night one of my great guy friends took me to the movies to distract me from him. I told him everything just because I could relate to him. After all he did come out of a bad breakup as well but longer than me. So he helped me cope,  he gave me words of encouragement. And he told me if I ever need to talk or need anything to call him. He is such a great friend to me. So we went out last night and we went to the movies. We went to go watch Wall Street. When we were watching the previews, every happy romantic movie  preview that came up it made me think of him. I honestly didn't have fun last night even if it was with my friend. I was even debating about whether going to the movies with him last night just because I wasn't in the mood to do so.

I didn't enjoy the movies. The whole time I was missing him, crying, how I wanted it so much to be him next to me instead of my friend. I would have enjoyed going to the movies more. Will I ever enjoy going out with my friends any time soon? When? I just want to stop feeling  so sad. When will it get better. I hate this. I am in so much pain. I would be in denial if I said that I didn't miss him. I do...but...for now. I just want that to change. This is my pain, this is my life right now. Nothing but shattered pieces. Oh please pain... just ....please go away soon.