I wonder

Back to blogging. I am not much of a writer...I mean I am not the poetic type even though I love poetry and I admire those who are poetic. But when I try to express my feelings I have a hard time expressing them using the right words. So don't criticize, this is after all my first time blogging. Of course I am still feeling sad, I am still in pain. Today while I was trying to concentrate in my school work which of course I failed. I kept on thinking if he was afraid of commitment. Was I a burden to him? Did I take his manhood away? Did I make him feel that he didn't have a life? Was I causing him an identity crises? All I want is answers just because I feel that it will make me feel better. It wont hurt me knowing the answers to these questions because after all I already got hurt and nothing than those words of "you are not the one" or "I want to break up with you" will ever cause me more pain, these answers to my questions wont top that pain even if it is hurtful. But all I want is closure that's it. I just want to talk to him. I realized so many things and I want to tell him about it. I need him to listen to me just like I listen to him. I deserve that much right? I feel that the his past issues are haunting him.
I feel that what he went through with his first crush and after what he had to deal with in high school being isolated  from everyone and into his studies made me think that some of that, that some of his past is still effecting him today. I feel that that experience alone made him want to be alone and I feel that that loneliness is still with him and he brought that loneliness into our relationship. So that is why I have so many questions for him. That is why I feel that he is afraid of being in a relationship, to committing, to never ever being alone. Maybe what he truly wants is to always be alone, after all he did say that he is a loner and that he wants to be alone. I guess in a way I just want to help him that's all. I just want to help him....as a friend i suppose.