So long, Farewell

Right now at this time in my life its difficult to go back to the way it was before...before I met that person. I cant sleep, I keep on waking up in the middle of the night and I cant eat. I have this whole inside me a deep void and I hate this feeling of remorse, anger, sadness, and confusion. I am in this stage of my life that is nothing but an emotional mess. Oh how I wish I was a much stronger person, I wish I didn't show a weakness of mine that I never thought that I had. That night everything came crashing down on me I couldn't stop feeling so sad, I couldn't stop crying and begging. I never in my life thought that I would beg for something, I never thought that I would be one of those girls that would beg for that person to not leave your life. Right now I feel so delusional, so broken into pieces. I never felt this way before, all I can do is move on and I will because I don't want to be that type of girl that will be forever heart broken. I refuse!! I know it will take me time. What hurts me the most is being lied to. I hate it! I can't stand liars.

I feel lied to, betrayed in a way that the person most dear in my life pretended to care for me the last couple of weeks. Was all just a lie? I am so angry! So sad! I wished that the person didn't lie to me if that person had it in his mind for the past few weeks of ending it then why not tell me then? I feel that the waiting, and keeping it a secret, and faking it are the hurtful things that anyone has done in my life. I rather be told the truth and not make me feel that I was the happiest luckiest girl in the world.

Was that day in the beach fake? Was that happy moment of nothing but laughter and smiles fake? And what about the six month anniversary? Was all that just a movie scene? Or how about all those times that you said "I love you", or the passionate kisses that we had, or being in your arms, the holding of the hands, the touch of your hand upon my skin. Was all that just fake? And all this happened during those weeks that you said that you had that thought of leaving.  I feel that the explanation of that person for ending it wasn't entirely true. I feel like there is more. All I want now is just to be told the truth. Besides just telling me  what you told me that night, is there more? I deserve an explanation and all I want now is closure.

What hurts me the most is that person so dear to me was the first to come out and say that "I love you" and those words so beautiful and so sweet but at the same time hurtful because that person took it back. And that was "your the one". I am hurt because you once told me that I was and to take it back like that, like nothing, hurts deeply. I wish you never said those words, I wish you could have saved me more pain. I know that I wasn't perfect. I just wished you were not in this bubble, of this idea of wanting a perfect relationship with no worry in the world. Sorry for not giving you your ideal, fantasy world. Sorry for not being that perfect person. And I am sorry for ever giving you a chance. A chance that you wanted so much with me. Not only did I lose a... but I lost a best friend as well and its something that hurts so much. 

I just wished that he didn't give me so much to look forward to. I wish that he didn't fill my head with those futuristic plans of yours, like going to graduate school together, living together next year, Christmas, being in classes together, being in clubs, and even hearing wedding bells in the future. Oh how WAS I SO STUPID. But is not all his fault I also wanted that with him. I also agreed with him and went along with his future plans. Those plans that was so dear to me. I just hated the promises that he made and this....this future that I thought we would have together! This future he made me so much believe that I would have with him. Oh how i feel so delusional, so foolish.

To tell you the truth, before I met that person I was a little lonely even with the many great friends that I had. I don't know why exactly. I don't know if I was just homesick or the need of being with my family but before I met that person I just had this small whole. And when I met that person, he was able to close it. I was so happy when I met him. He honestly made me feel more stronger, he made me feel more confident in myself, he encourage me in so many ways. He was there for me. When I was sad, stressed out, angry at other people he was there for me. I just wished that he let me in once in while. I wish that he could tell me what was bothering him when something was. It just hurts me that I couldn't be that support that he was for me. I wished that he could have shown his true self to me whether it was good or bad. Oh how I wanted to be there for him.

He made me so happy. He made me feel so beautiful. But now that is over. And now I have the support of such great friends. In time I will go back to the happy person I was. All I want now is closure. I don't know If I do want to be friends that right now is too early to say but I'll figure that out later, right now this is my time for myself to reflect, to grow stronger, to no longer be foolish. I feel like there is so much more than I need to get off my chest but I wont do it all in one blog. I will write more in the days to come.

All I want now is the truth, closure. I deserve that much right? And my last parting words are: I will get over him because I choose to.